Death by Mother

Did I tell you that my mother attempted to kill me? She did. It all started when she gave me 2 cans of tomato paste and 2 cans of tomato sauce before she left, telling me they would expire while she was gone and I should use them. Saturday morning I opened the sauces and poured them into the crock-pot  I applied the blade of the can opener to a can of paste and it exploded, sending tomato paste all over the opener, the counter, and my hand. 

That was not right. So I checked the expiration date and it was 2010. I checked the other can and it was the same date.  I then decided I had better look at the date on the sauce cans and they expired 2012. I picked up the can of mushrooms she had also given me and 2011 it said. Remembering she had implied that the church and my brother were getting the bulk of her estate upon her death I called my brother to let him know that their evil plot had failed. He laughed. This did not actually set my mind at ease.  He continued to find the entire thing funny until I reminded him that I had thrown out several bags of expired food items when she moved and that we probably should be concerned about her health. She does tend to hoard.

On to an interesting tale.  I walked up to the doors of the theater. There are two sets of double doors side by side at the entrance. There was a couple in a line going out one of those sets of doors closest to the cashier. They were holding the door open and standing in it. There were no humans at the other door. I wondered for a moment if the door was locked. Being a pirate, (and somewhat rebellious) I pulled the handle and the door opened. I giggled. Both doors lead to one line. I walked and stood in a space where the line would have been had the couple been inside;  but left a space indicating that I acknowledged the humans standing in the open doorway letting in the heat and out the air-conditioning. They looked at me as though I was the most unusual creature they had ever seen. Wisps of hostility smoked through their gazes. The couple looked at each other and then back at me.  I thought briefly that they would figure it out as they were an older couple and appeared to be intelligent. Mistake on my part. She turned her body toward him and he turned his toward me. Both eyed me warily but still with hostility. I smiled. I gestured and spoke the words “come in, it is much cooler in here.” I am sure it was in clear concise English but they seemed to have to translate it into their native tongue and still looking at me with hostility declined and said they were fine. Uhmmm…. You two are standing in a doorway holding open a door allowing two temperatures to mingle in and out. Do you do this at home? Did you allow your children to stand in your doorways between inside and outside for 10 minutes or longer?  I looked at the people who were inside, in line ahead of them and said very clearly “I just thought they may want to step on inside and close the door, they are letting in the heat.” The people in front of them grinned and turned to gawk at the couple who now looked embarrassed and as she moved further in he grabbed her arm and said loudly “we are fine”. Of course I said as I nodded my head, grinned and raised an eyebrow at the people ahead of them line. One of which giggled, a few smiled and one gasped.  Just then a man stepped in line behind the outside couple. I motioned him on in through the other door he declined. I said past the odd couple it is much cooler in here and you standing there holding the door open does not do much for the temperature of us in here. Good point he said and excused himself around the odd couple. After he came through they came on in and closed the door. There, now isn’t that so much better I said. Everyone but the couple agreed. Other than to provide me with entertainment I fail to understand why that couple just stood in the doorway like that.

I must cut this short there is a huge muscle spasm in my neck today.

This morning as we hiked our usual trails we must have encountered over 40 centipedes wandering over the gravely paths. Very creepy….