Rum Punch

As they said on the radio, “I have some information that may be shocking to a few of you … Thanksgiving will go on as scheduled whether you have turkey to eat or not!” Guess what people; Thanksgiving is not about turkey, green bean casserole or jellied cranberry.  What you eat does not define this day. Neither does who you are with. Life will go on without green beans being slathered in cream of mushroom soup.

 I had never even seen this concoction as part of a meal until I was well past the age of 16; and guess what, we had Thanksgiving every year. I have had pizza, enchiladas, stuffed bell peppers and even lasagna on this day of feasting.  I have had meals where no green beans were served at all. We had carrots and greens and cornbread. Stop this narrow minded madness. 

The pilgrims probably ate popcorn and raw cranberries. It is not like you cannot buy turkeys all year. I like turkey at Easter. My children however want a traditional “Mom” cooked dinner.  Now whether that is about turkey or ham or just being with me I am not sure. It is sweet that they feel the need to be with me but I am not convinced that it is not some marketing contrived guilt trip to lie upon those who have nothing and nobody. Norman Rockwell painted a sweet picture of a family at Thanksgiving and to be honest, growing up, mine always looked like that; happy, smiling, grandparents, parents and children.

 We were happy, but we were not always able to go “home”. The next time you are invited to Thanksgiving dinner and they are not serving what you feel is proper feast food do NOT get in a huff and drive away leaving people with a lack of respect you will never be able to get back. We have eaten at the club, more than a few times.  That is all I am going to say about that. 

Oh yeah and this year I am dining with my mother, we are eating at the club and I will most likely be filling up on rum punch because I am a cougar and that is where all the juicy young morsels will be.

Speaking of young morsels, who else out there is thrilled with the Kmart Joe Boxer jingle bell commercial? My mother was a bit shocked and the look on her face was priceless. I will be buying Joe Boxers for everyone this year!! Jingle Bells!! Dear Santa bring me them!!!! 

Dear it is my first day on the job guy. I know it is a gourmet food store. 

I wanted gourmet popcorn and yes you do sell it. Telling me to go to Walmart was so not cool. You have become my nemesis and I always seek them out to torment with questions. I have been to the store twice since this incident and both times asked you questions you had to go research out for me. I can keep this up for months. Speak to me like that. Really?? Walmart!!!  Really??  If I flipping wanted to be in Walmart knucklehead, I would have been!

Was last week Make A Right Turn From the Left Lane Day? I had this happen twice on Wednesday and then three times in 15 minutes on one road in less than a two mile stretch of road. Unbelievable! People driving down the left lane and all of a sudden without warning, meaning no signal, they break right and cross lanes of traffic to turn right. One did it right in front of me; the other two were two cars ahead of me. I was freaked out and wanted to go home where I had a better grasp on my illusion of safe.

Got a client to get to see you later!

Ralph or Calvin

Ralph or Calvin

I do not know what kind of magical substance the moon is covered in but it is amazing. The way it can change colors and surprise you sometimes when you least expect a surprise yet so need one. I mean need in the way your heart feels like it has taken a huge gulp of air and has realized the potential freedom that lies just beyond the prison of your chest and pushes ever so slightly against its bonds. Tears slide into your eyes because, deep in the soft cradle of your soul you understand that yearning your heart has expressed but you know you lack the power to escape what holds you here. Last night was one of those moonlit surprises.

I stepped outside to get a breath of air and refocus from a sad place I was spiraling toward. As I looked up from my porch a flash of golden pink caught my eye. There just popping up over the edge of the building next to me and behind a web of cables and wires that bring electricity was the moon. The color I can barely describe. 

It was a brilliant pink, washed in a watery orange but glowing from inside with purple. There was no word I knew that could express the sight, or how I felt. Just a slow whispered gasp and a thank you to the GOD who created a moon that could reflect colors from across the world back to me at that moment. A moon that was put there to do that at that moment thousands of years ago by a GOD who patiently waited all that time just to hear me say Thank you and think of HIM. I felt so small and at the same time so large. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever felt this way?

Ok, back on a lighter note…

Dear Whataburger,

 Please, please, please send your breakfast staff to Taco Folding School.  A breakfast taco should not have all the cheese and sausage at one end and the eggs at the other. It should all be evenly spread out. There should be a fluffy egg; bite of sausage all enfolded in cheese and tortilla each bite. What I got today was NOT that. I was very disappointed!

 Especially since it seems I have now paid you to disappoint me. I already have a problem with eating eggs. There is something about the texture, maybe a life time of summer camp eggs, or the fact that eggs nauseated me throughout all five pregnancies but a mouthful of cold egg at the end of my taco is ….. NOT good!!! EVER!!!!

There is some good news. I found my dress. I only had to try on 23 dresses but I found the gown to wear to the Gala. The color is going to blend beautifully with my blonde ombre locks and the theme and feel of the evening. I am very excited! James Bond would look twice! It was made just for me by my good friend Ralph.

 I tried on several designs Calvin created but he still thinks I am a svelte 22 and I am not. Calvin, darling, I have been pregnant 5 times and now have a womanly body. Adjust!!!!

For those of you that are confused, there are signs on every road, in parking lots and at intersections that tell you exactly what to do, when to do, where to do it and how fast you can do it. Please learn what these signs mean. If you need help there are classes and the Department of Public Safety even have booklets explaining this for free. Yes folks these booklets are free!!! Get informed it is for all our safety. Especially you beer-pong prone types!

I have a $5 coupon for Hallmark , have to go!

Jelly Hair-flip

Yesterday this urge for biscuits and grape jelly overwhelmed me. I squelched it and moved on, or so I thought. I am not a grape jelly fan. There are too many other jelly types out there. They may not be better but, I like options. Grape jelly is the best companion for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

 I have tried others but grape is the best. My Grandmother made apple sauce, which is very tasty with some cinnamon and some warm biscuits. My granny put up blackberry, apple, wild grape and some other strange berry that was supposed to be a treat and a favorite of my mother’s; I cannot recall what it was. These exotic jams were delightful! 

My parents would also buy orange marmalade which became my very favorite, strawberry, fig, plum and any exotic concoction their friends who knew of my father’s taste for jam would send us from whatever foreign escapade they were on. I remember my first taste of prickly pear jelly and the warm buttery biscuit it was slathered on. Mmmmmm….. I could take it no more so this morning I made biscuits and loaded them up with grape jelly.

 It is the only flavor jelly I have in the house because it is my daughter’s favorite. The craving has now abated and I am left wondering why the intense grape jelly craving; because it has been 6 days since my last glass of wine? It is usually at this point in my letters that I would go explore the nutritional and psychological value of grape jelly. It is just grape jelly!

I was driving through the parking area of where I live when a female in a minivan (we all know how I feel about that!!) started to back out of her chosen spot. I assumed she did not see the large grey Lincoln (me) to her right so I stopped well back and allowed (yes I allowed, I was in a joyful mood) her to continue to back up. She was more than halfway out when she spotted me and hesitated. I remained still as she finished her maneuverer and pulled away going to my right and not to my left because…she is driving challenged, learned to drive in Wales, believes she is captaining the USS Carl Vinson,

 I do not know but, I smile at her and the creature flips her hair at me, grins real big, and drives off without even a nod, smile or any indication of a thank you. I waited and when she was far enough away I ordered the crew to launch a photon torpedo……. And a hair flip back at you bitch!!!

An online article on how to remove stains and the featured photo is lipstick on a collar! Really!!! If you were a man that came home with lipstick on your collar and a cock and bull story about how it got there…  Clean it for you? Are you drunk, insane, high, or just plain stupid? The only reason to put lipstick on a shirt collar is to mark territory, leave a calling card for the wife, or to get the cheating male creature in trouble. Dude if you get lipstick on your $235 Victor Hugo dress shirt throw it away and consider it the price you pay for your infidelity.

I am going with Mother this afternoon to be fitted for her outfits for a fashion show. Yes my mother is going to be a Model in a fashion show. I believe there is to be 3 changes of clothing. SO proud of her career choice this late in life! Have fun Mom!!

Speaking of career choices I have terminated my contract with 2 clients and am deciding on a third but, what I am puzzling is whether to let it all go and spend the next few years being an artist.

The world is my canvas!!

Avocado Slice

My great grand Aunt was married to Fielding Rose. What else do you name a man who has Rose as a Surname?

Much to my amazement and humor my great grand Aunt Eliza and uncle Alonzo lived for a very short time in Ottumwa Iowa. Some of you may recall the TV series M.A.S.H. and the beloved Radar.  

This fictional character Corporal Walter Eugene "Radar" O’Reilly was from Ottumwa Iowa and spoke of home often during the running of the show. I have been to Ottumwa and we were told that though he had been invited to Grand Marshal Parades and for other events the actor who played Radar had never been to Ottumwa.

The Des Moines River runs through the city which at the last census had a population of just a wee bit over 25,000.  In 1851 the town was seriously damaged by flooding. In 1857 coal was being mined 4 miles west of Ottumwa and by 1889 there were a reported 15 mines in and around the city. By 1914 one mining company in the Ottumwa area was producing over 100,000 tons of coal a year.  5 Presidents have visited and the

 “Loose-Meat” sandwiches which were served in the cafe by Roseanne in the TV show were based on a sandwich served in a cafe in Ottumwa called the Canteen.  Actor Tom Arnold was born in Ottumwa.

The knife was poised above the avocado and just as I was slicing I realized my finger was in the way. Have you ever had an explosion of several thoughts all go off at the same moment inside your head? This is probably why tragedy seems to happen in slow motion. Here is what I recall… My finger was in the path the knife was set to cut….

1.    Stop the downward motion of the knife

2.    Move your finger

3.    I am about to cut my own flesh

4.    There will be blood on the knife

5.    Will it get on the avocado

6.    This is going to be painful in a moment

7.    I hate Band-Aids

As I attempted to stop one hand from slicing and one finger to move I felt the slightly serrated edge of the knife tear across my finger. It felt like the whole process took about 17 minutes to happen but after it had happened it seemed so quick. The “stop slicing” and “move your finger” were an equal order from my brain which I recall being screamed out loud so the neighbors could hear but, were probably silent. I am not sure.

There was no blood on the knife or the avocado. It seems I threw the knife in the sink and ripped off a sheet paper towel from the roll like a bullfighter twirling as the bull passes. Ole`

I must get the photos from the Veteran’s Day Parade edited and sent to my editor.

Have a great accident free day!