Repulsive Yoga Pant

I stepped out the door with Gucci, leashed him and off we walked. Not a fear or care in the world. It was 6:15AM and the sun was not yet awake. We had the hood to ourselves for a moment.  As we were coming up the walk to the front door I froze gasping in horror. There in all its disgusting ugliness was a giant coockuroach, scampering along the wall by my front window.  I removed my shoe and charged, smashing it I hoped, back to hell. I dashed backwards preparing for another swing. I was a gladiator! The bloody thing leaps from the wall at about the same time and charged me. Gucci charged after it now that it was ground level. The monster broke right and disappeared. I gasped in a deep breath of air and slowly exhaled trying to calm the fiery blood of my Pirate ancestors.  

I moved tentatively around the corner of the railing looking down, waiting for an ambush. It did not come.  We moved further onto the porch when SURPRISE!!! There was another monster by the front door. Fortunately for me I had unknowingly ambushed it and it fled in terror disappearing.  But as I unlocked my front door and went in it occurred to me that it may have ducked into the space between the decorative boards on the wall by the door and could jump out and attack me the next time I went outside causing me to have a heart attack and thereby killing me. I raced to the kitchen and grabbed the bug spray. I was going to spray down the walls and doors and the entire porch.  While doing this I recalled that I had never had this problem while my porch light annoyingly burned bright.  They had until 3 today to replace it.  I sprayed and sprayed and as I turned the corner there went a coockaroach scampering back across the wall by the window. I sprayed, coating it in a slimy film of poison. It retaliated by charging at me. I quickly re-coated it and it ran toward my front door. I loomed hesitantly around the corner and then charged into my home waiting. I just knew it would come oozing under the door.  It did not. Later that morning I braved going back out to start some laundry when I saw a dead one laying by the front walk. I left it there as a warning to other miscreant monsters. Maintenance replaced the porch light bulb and later last evening when I went out to walk Gucci guess what did not turn on? The light! I stood mortified. Had the kin of the dead come to torment me? Was this going to be a revenge killing? Would I just be terrorized? Why had the light not worked? Gucci and I raced through the porch onto the walk and he nervously did his business. We then raced back inside and slammed the door bolting it. I armed myself with a broom and the spray and waited staring at the front door, Gucci staring at me.  We sat there for what seemed like an hour. I finally grabbed a beer and a cigar and became that character, Major Alan “Dutch” Schaefer, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger from the movie Predator. 

I sat in a chair and waited.

This morning I waited until daylight to walk Gucci. I am going to file another maintenance request. I want that light fixed.

Some of you may have an idea about what I am going to describe, others may find this highly erotic but when you are a female, non-lesbian and you are eye level and not 6 feet from this view it is repulsive. I was waiting for a perspective member at a coffee shop, sitting in a chair when in walks 30 something yoga pant mom with all 5 of her kids. First of all, this is NOT Orange County California. 

You are not one of the housewives of Beverly Hills, nor is this Miami and Zumba just let out. 

This is a small village North of Austin. It is bad enough you view your yoga clothes as an acceptable wardrobe for the street but you had to buy the see-through yoga pants. 

So there you are parked at the counter ordering muffins for your already hyper children and yourself coffee when the crack of your butt is shimmering through the opaque blackness of your overly tight yoga pants. I have heard of this phenomena but thankfully I had been spared, until now.   Not that you did not have a fairly nice butt, but having to see it while pleasantly sipping my coffee was like watching the chef making your pizza stop to change the cat litter and not wash his hands after he was done and got back to shaping the dough. Are you aware? Did you buy them on purpose? Do you even know for sure who the baby daddies are?

That last comment was a bit of a meow. It is not that I have not had my share of dressing inappropriately but I was a bartender/cocktailer in a biker bar.  My only income, 4 children (yes I do know who the 2 baby daddies were, my X husbands) and at $2.35 an hour I needed tips. Lots of tips. I did not go to the local coffee shop dressed that way, I had other clothes for public appearances.

By the way I saw maintenance man yesterday and the porch light is now working. 

 My potential member did not have to witness the yoga pant incident or he would have been extremely distracted and the whole meeting useless.

I have another meeting today and am thinking about wearing my pajamas. What say you?