I ain't missing you...

Someone told me the other day that they missed me. I do not hear that very often and it stuck with me. In the midst of my prayers and waking up today; that thread containing those words wove itself into my thoughts. I started thinking about missing people and wondering what that felt like. I tried to gather a memory of missing someone, sifting through postcards I keep in my heart-chest, traveling back roads to replay events. I found none.

My father was gone a lot when I was a child but I did not miss him. He was doing his job. I may not have understood exactly what his job was or what he really did but it involved airplanes and he sometimes was gone for a few days and sometimes a month. Maybe it was because he always came back home.

 My little brother was in and out of the hospital  often when he was a small child with severe Asthma and Pneumonia. I did not miss him. I was .... maybe worried or afraid for him..... I was 4. I never missed him. Maybe because he always came back.

We moved around a lot when I was a child and I would leave friends but because we moved in a circle where everyone else around us moved too there were always friends moving in and moving out. It was their dads jobs just as it was mine. I understood that.


When I left home for college and after I married I did not miss the parents. The husband would travel now and then but, I never missed him. He was abusive and I found a week without him as a reprieve.  I had boyfriends come and go and after serious thought it was not them I missed. It was a fear of not being lovable even if I was the one to leave them that shook me up.


My children have grown and left and I do not miss them. They were never mine. Just little people I had to feed, clothe and nurture until they became big people. I love them. I fear that they are not happy but I do not miss them.

Maybe I do not understand the concept of missing. I hear people talk about it and cry about it but, I just do not understand it. I often wish I had my grandparents back to ask them questions about photographs and memories when I am ghost hunting. Is that missing them? I only saw them once a year and for just a few weeks.

I believe I am missing the missing gene. Did they say  "get your miss gene" at the factory and I heard priss and decided not to get one?

Thinking again on it, seeing how miserable people are and the pain they feel missing someone I am very OK without it. So to everyone who may say to me "I miss you" please understand I cannot reciprocate that feeling for you. I will rejoice when we are together and I will look forward to when we are together again but I will not wallow in sadness. I have no heart left to be broken. So writing your name on my heart just will not happen.

All that being said I do miss being a size 6. Everything I wore looked AMAZING!!!