neighborhood letter

Dear neighbors (that neighbor part is laced with sarcasm),

Thank you for your thoughtful and helpful letter. Let me address all the items you have covered and interject a few items of my own.

Maybe I am not renting.

Maybe I will own this home in another 18 months and you will be “stuck” with me or any of my children until the end of time.

Maybe you do not know me. Have any of you ever come over here to become acquainted or get to know me. How many of you stepped over on my move in day to bring me cookies or a basket of muffins? How many of you offered me help on moving day?  How many of you saw us out splashing and dancing in the rain that first summer after months of no rain and reacted out of fear or anger or jealousy or hate? How many of you made up your mind then that you knew me?  To be very honest with you I have been very mellow for your sakes. That my lovelies is over. You think you know me…..LOL….. think again, and frankly it was getting harder and harder to contain myself. This liberation is invigorating. How does 18 pink flamingos in the yard sound? 4 bird baths? 6 Gmones? 5 deer statues…..ahh yes the possibilities seem endless…..

Maybe I am not used to cleaning up my own yard. We had people who did that for us. They are called gardeners. They show up every few weeks and just take care of the yard. Having to deal with that is not in my realm of things to remember. It does NOT mean I do not care. As if you know what I care about because you, never got to know me. See above paragraph again.

Maybe I have had severe tragedy in my world over the last month and in dealing with said tragedy the yard was overlooked. Caring for the others involved in the tragedy took priority over the yard and it just was pushed to the back of my mind. It does not mean I do not care.

Maybe not getting paid for a job I performed cost me all of my savings and just being able to pay the utilities was all I could do. Have any of you seen me or my daughter carry in bags of groceries?  There was no money to pay to have the yard done. Perhaps I do not own yard equipment. It does not mean I do not care.

Maybe I arranged to have the yard done and the guys never showed. That happened three times. These people have a schedule. I cannot call one on Monday morning and expect him to rush over and have it done by noon to please you people.  As if that is Yard guys ultimate wish….. yeah Their truck broke down on the way over here. Another week goes by while I schedule another guy. His mower blew the motor. Another week goes by before the next scheduled guy can show. His father passes away and he has had to postpone another week goes by before I can get on anther guys schedule.  It does not mean I do not care. But then, how would you people know any of that? You have never gotten to know me.

Maybe I neglected my yard just to irritate you! (This seems like the most probable answer considering the letter).

Maybe your threat to call the property managers causes me to laugh.

Maybe the property manager is my dad.

Maybe I told my Father about your letter. ( May HE have mercy on you).

Maybe your threat to call the city tickles me because my uncle Tom is the Mayor. Oh and I will add…we are Italian…..

Now it is my turn…..

Keep your mini Walmart shopping yous quiet in the morning. Not everyone in the neighborhood has to be up at 5 to get our precious little rug rats on a bus. Please contain their enthusiasm. May I suggest duct tape? You all are from a subspecies and know what that is I am sure.

Keep your little ankle biting chi chi dogs or any other dogs you may have that are smaller than a Shetland pony quiet in the morning. Not everyone wants to hear it yapp endlessly because a tree blew in the breeze and rattled a leaf.

If your dog kills one of the feral cats or kittens in the neighborhood do not bring it down to me as though you are showing off a trophy deer you murdered. Your ability or your dog’s ability to kill an animal does not impress me. It does not cause me fear. I do not tremble at the sight of you or your dogs. What I feel toward you and your dogs is what scares me. Do it one more time and I will ask council to file a restraining order and file suit for harassment. Mental duress is coming to mind. Terrorism follows that. Council can be so creative. Do not ever ask to look in my back yard again.

Yes those are water bowls on  my back porch. Yes I keep water in them. They are for the raccoons. Oh?.... the cats are in my back yard? How sweet! I will not have a rat, mouse or snake issue. GOD is surely blessing me.

Your dog charges me or my child, touches me or my child, one more time while I am walking past your house on the sidewalk I am thinking pepper-spray, tazzer, or worse. I will notify Uncle Tom.

Mean mugging me while standing in your drive way amuses me so please do not stop.

Thank you

Your neighbor!