I'm unhappy

Not that I am in a panic, nor do I wish to create one but, I just seem to have lost the will to write anything. Nothing, I am empty it seems of emotion or drive or curiosity. No desire to learn, explore or create. I avoided these letters all last week; I simply can do that no longer. I have tried to figure out what may be different or causing me trepidation about writing Breakfast letters.

 For one it is bloody hot here, 112 according to my outside thermometer last Tuesday. I cannot tolerate the heat. I have not since we moved here in 1974. It is oppressive, debilitating, and depressing. I do not like the sun blaring down on me with relentless joy. It was a chilly 73 one morning last week and I was elated, overjoyed and energized. I worked out 3 times that day.

 I have Gucci creating a disturbance in my force, meaning I have to accommodate for letting a dog relieve himself outside now as part of my scheduling. I work at a client’s 3 days a week and cannot leave him loose in the house or kenneled up in a little crate for 6 hours so, he goes to their facility with me. This is fine but he gets protective and barks and growls at other people who office in the building. I do not believe he would shred their ankles but he sounds like he might give it a try. I keep a barrier up over the door so he cannot get to them. I crate him if I have a visitor in the office.

Oddly not having a vacuum cleaner is really fussing me up. My floors are a mess but on this 26 year old carpet who can tell. I know though, I know. The padding has been squashed from years of use, cleaning and age. The fibers of the carpet refuse to stand. They have increased my rent and want me to commit to a year. Ahhhh… my heart thumped as I wrote that. We have reached the summit perhaps of my ire. When I first moved in I was happy to commit. But then this flat was not in “the hood” as it is now. I wish they had told me they were selling this complex to the housing authority. I wish I had known it would be downgraded to … to…. How do I politely say …. the ghetto? I did not notice the trashed carpet. I had a vacuum.  I do notice the “hoopty” cars driving through with wheels that cost more than the vehicle, the bass thumping, the loud conversations occurring in the parking lots and on balconies, Children running around loose. The workout center became an “education” center with a “trained” staff of educators. They hold lots of planned community events. But that is not what I moved here for. They replace the carpets but only during a move out. Most people’s lives and circumstances then to improve and get better as they age mine are getting worse. Each change is worse than the one before it. When GOD makes a situation unbearable it is time for a change.

Dear GOD, I am ready. What shall we change?

I smile now because is this not the sort of thing you share with a spouse, a lover, your family, your friends? Guess what? This once blank page, this computer and you who may read this all the way through are my friends.

I want to move out of here………… NOW!