DPS

The Lady Tamara and the Lady Tamara in my head are sometimes 2 different people. I very much enjoy them both. Lady Tamara came home yesterday after a day of errands and realized she had not stopped for lunch. Ravenous she rummaged through her kitchen and discovered artichoke hearts and angel hair pasta. She created a lovely white sauce from chicken broth and cream, herbs a few spices, and chopped up the hearts. All of this went onto the pasta. A glass of passion flower tea, Sherlock Holmes, made for a lovely dinner for one. The Lady in my head wanted to be served dinner with candles, glass of Pinot Grigio, ice cold Pellegrino and Spumoni with 3 of her friends. My little piece of Scotland did not come with an entourage of people to do that however, I am still Lady Tamara.

I mentioned my day of errands most of which were mellow. I did however end up at the Department of Public Safety.  I was replacing my driver’s License. There were about 14 people ahead of me. 5of those were alone including me. I am under the impression that you are NOT supposed to go alone. Oops! I waited in line and finally had my turn. I told the clerk my need she ran my information through her machine and handed me a number 528. I should have brought a pillow and blanket, change of clothes, tooth brush, a snack. There were not 500 people ahead of me that I could see. Perhaps there had been and the disgruntled ones are dealt with by a different department after being taken away in a black van.  I found a seat and waited. How marvelous this endeavor became. I love to sit at airports and people watch. Here was a plethora of people around me to watch. I pulled out my notebook and proceeded to fill two pages.

Here is what I encountered.

1.     Hats off men. I have covered this in a previous letter that obviously some of you did not get. Ball caps and fedoras. Remove them!! 

2.     There was a man in a work shirt, denim overhauls, work boots, groomed and fresh shaven, mid 60s looking very much the rural farmer come to town except for the Borg device protruding from his ear. No it was not a hearing aid. I suppose there is an i-pod dock in his tractor.

3.     Then for the second time in 3 days the 1970s came through the queue. He looked like a bad Halloween version of Burt Reynolds from Smokey and the Bandit. Dude!!!!  Really??? What is with that mustache?  I actually looked to see if there was a black 1975 Trans-Am in the parking lot. When out of all the females in the room he singled me out for his lingering gaze. (Shuddering ….I feel the need to bathe).

4.     I look to my left and sitting next to the young Fedora wearing, I belong in 1962 Cuba, (he was so rocking the look but see #1) sat Mr. I am picking my zits. Really??? In a public place? He then after self-grooming pulls out his phone and starts texting with his still greasy fingers. Reminder to self NOT to borrow his phone. Eewww! He was there to get his 18 wheeler license. (Note to Tony he was a PoW!)  These two actually were there together.

5.     Then in walks what looks like a Goth. Young man, white skin, black jeans with chains and 12 zippers, black long in the front hair, clean, tattooed, wearing……No not a Marilyn Manson shirt no not a Twilight shirt…..not going to believe it…. A HALO tea bagging T-shirt. I am not sure what it said but it was 2 tea bags hanging and the word HALO. Really in public to the DPS?  I am very sure however that only players of HALO and a few depraved others would get it.NO I am not on the depraved list!!!

6.     To the cute girl escorting Mr. Tea Bag….. Honey!! Do NOT wear black hip hugging panties with white polka dots and a lime green waist band under your flowing white skirt.  Loved your short edgy red hair though!!

7.     Mr. Steal Your Girl!!!! I am not a fan of saggy jeans. You like looking at my arse? Well I want to see your (I am a Lady of a certain age and I CAN now stare at all the young men I want!!!) arse!  Not that I am into Cowboys in WoW jeans but I want to see what I might get to work with. The artwork stitchery on the giant pockets of your jeans was very cool. Ocean, under the ocean, like a ship wreck; fish and a steering wheel, colorful coral, seashells, it was nice and baby I am a Pirate! I saw Treasure and as I was perusing the treasure above the pockets guess what I saw? Your arse! Those naughty pockets with the undersea treasure were placed strategically below your arse cheeks. Sweet!

My number was called and as I was posing for my photograph the clerk asks me to move my hair and expose my eyebrows. What? She needs to photograph my face with my eyebrows exposed? What if those are not my real eyebrows? What if they are dyed to match my hair or not match my hair? What if I shape them very thin? What if I shave them off? Then she insisted I smile. All the clerks I noticed were insisting that their customers smile for their photo. Really??  I moved my bangs off my face in a big backward swoop. She laughed. No just move them to the sides. They belong in the front I insist. She smiles, please move them. She then instructs me to look into the camera. I think I am when she wants to do another retake. She smiles again. Please look directly into the camera. Uh….NO!.. I am getting creeped out. I look directly to the left of the camera. She then reprimands me for not looking at the camera again and then says oh never mind this one will work; the whole time being cheerful and pleasant. Since the smile was being insisted upon I did not smile either. I am telling you it was very creepy in there. Happy clerks all trying to get smiling full frontal face views of people smiling. Weird!!!!

Your license will be to you by Thursday, she smiles and says have a nice day. Very Stepford wives like……

And who is parked in the bank parking lot facing me as I drive away? Horatio!

Smile everyone!!